| You might have never heard, but God's comic |
[Apr. 12th, 2009|02:41 pm] |
Yes Virginia,
There is bright burning
something in our hearts.
In the stars.
I’ve never met the man
but I’ve heard good things.
Perhaps he is molder
Perhaps he is a shaper
Perhaps he is just the lonely son
of a watch maker.
But I don’t think he is American.
I believe he is a watcher
The aspiration of Thoreau and Emerson.
He is conquering king, thus thunk Zarathustra,
But, I don’t believe that.
When he speaks, he does so with a lisp,
As though he has had a stroke.
Perhaps he has.
He is not a he of course.
Closer to a she I suspect
But not quite that either
He has enough street cred
To have been on Pete and Pete
Or to have sung back up for the Pixies.
He likes the color green
But prefers the color blue.
Mostly he is a storyteller.
And We,
We are all like him.
-James |
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| Watchmen Review |
[Mar. 10th, 2009|09:02 pm] |
Riley’s Journal. March 6th 2009
Went to movies tonight. Audience filled with pimple faced, pasty, fat men shoveling greasy food down their gapping mauls. The previews roll. Nothing but a wasteland. The fat whores in Hollywood have repackaged the same sewage that they shovel down the throats of ignorant theater goers. Then blackness. The movie I have come for starts. Watchmen.
So how was it? In a word: Hurm. But to those who have never read the novel, let me explain.
Watchmen is regarded by many to be the greatest graphic novel ever produced. It is the Moby Dick or better yet The Brothers Karamozov of comic books. It was revolutionary in it’s complexity and meaning. If you have never read it or have yet to see the movie, Watchmen is basically a meditation on what the world would look like if superheroes were in the real world. The answer is pretty grim. In 1985, Nixon is still president, we have won Vietnam, Superheroes have been outlawed by the Keene Act, and despite fantastic advances in technology America and Russia are on a collision course to nuclear annihilation. All of this is a backdrop to the interplay and conflict of various philosophies of the superheroes in Watchmen. The masked adventures are the Comedian, a cynical cigar-smoking nihilist whose death sets the events in motion, Dr. Manhattan, a blue omnipotent detached god figure, Ozymandias, an extremely wealthy liberal made smug from his status as world’s smartest man, Nite Owl, a impotent failure that is lost without fighting crime, Silk Specter, a girl living up to her super-mother’s expectations, and Rorschach, a psychotic, right-wing, moral-absolutist. When you consider that there is still an entire cast of secondary characters and two subplots left entirely out of the movie you begin to realize what a challenge it is to weave so much into any work of art, but much more so to maintain it in an adaptation in another medium.
Director Zack Snyder makes an admirable attempt with this movie. Considering all the obstacles that the movies had to get over to be released, it is amazing that there is even a movie at all. Attempts to film the comic have been made since it was first published but they have all met with failure. Alan Moore has expressed a great deal of displeasure with the adaptation of his works into films and with such atrocities as From Hell and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen it is hard to blame him, not to mention the slew of unnecessary Watchmen products that included Watchmen condoms and coffee. There was also the bit of legal trouble Watchmen faced between studios that almost delayed the movie. Snyder cannot be blamed for any of this and for his part I believe he did a good job.
There are something’s he did exceedingly well. The opening credits are in my opinion one of the greatest opening sequences in any movie that you will see this year, in part thanks to the use of Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changing.” The entire soundtrack is outstanding with the exception of My Chemical Romance’s cover of “Desolation Row” with many of the songs are referenced in the original graphic novel. The use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallejujah” (not Rufus Wainwright’s cover) in a passionate sex scene adds some humor to what would otherwise be uncomfortably long. Other scenes do not share the same blessing. Snyder has spent to much time in the homo social and ultra violent world of 300 as many of the scenes are unnecessarily gruesome, even by graphic novel standards, and there are gratuitous shots of Dr. Manhattan’s … well “lower Manhattan.” However, many scenes are breath taking and the visual effects of the movie are beautiful.
Watchmen is probably one of the greatest superhero movies yet and it may prove to be better than the incredibly popular The Dark Knight. It does a good job of remaining faithful to the source material while still being accessible to the mainstream public. Unfortunately, this straddling the line between the two audiences prevents it from taking bold choices and capturing the spirit of Watchmen. The movie comes across as a superficial reading of the graphic novel. It hits all the major plot points, something that I am sure was a struggle for Snyder, but it does not raise the same metaphysical, moral, and personal questions that the novel does. The acting and dialoged and pacing are rough in some places but overall the movie is worth your time. It will entertain you. The characters are interesting enough especially Rorschach. I just hope that he does not become this year’s Joker. Although, considering the state of leadership in the Republican party right now, it might not be such a bad idea to have him replace Rush Limball as the face of the party. Just an idea.
What I am saying is that you should watch Watchmen. And if you like it then pick up the book. It is okay. It has pictures.
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| A Modester Proposal. |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|10:44 pm] |
280 years ago, a brave visionary stepped forward and offered an unorthodox answer to a very real problem. Of course like all brilliant men, Jonathan Swift, was ignored and laughed at. So it is with all those a head of their time. Even today many would object to Swift’s tough but fair answer to a serious problem. In today’s hard economic times, for example, the ideals proposed by Swift could not be accepted. Our nation is just far to liberal. What people fail to understand is that Irish people (and by extension anyone of Irish ancestry) are not, technically speaking, human.
The Celts, as a race are more closely related to the mongoose (crossbred with leprechauns and fairies and such) than to homo sapiens. This is why there are no snakes in Ireland and why to this day snakes are naturally afraid of the Irish. In fact, Irishmen will instinctually kill any snake they happen to see. Coincidentally, an Irishman’s sense of smell is quite developed which has secured the race as a whole, by warning against menstruation, which turns Irish women (already violent and powerful) into serious threats to the continuation of the Irish people.
It was the logician and anthropologist, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, who made the following proof: Statement: "There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one." (This is a Greek saying and if you disagree with it you are questioning the founders of western civilization.) Conclusion: Man must have a beard to be a man or Human + Beard = Man. Postulate: Irish men cannot grow beards. Conclusion 2: Irishmen cannot be human. The lone exception to this is George Bernard Shaw, whose beard was as thick and full as a Russian infant.
But it is not my purpose to educate you, dear reader, on natural facts. The points are moot because Irish now have full civil rights and are now legally classified as human beings. No my point is that tough times call for tough decisions. We have on our hands an energy crisis of incredible proportions. Right now, this very day, 45% of the worlds oil is under the control of governmentally classified “evil doers”, 35% is controlled by people who used to be classified as “evil doers”, the last 20% we control. Sure, there are a few sources for energy besides oil. Coal or atoms, for example, both of which are limited. We must have a renewable resource. So I submit to you, in your wisdom and careful, nimble mind, that this source is right under your feet. I suggest that we reanimate corpses. These zombies can then be used to turn mighty turbines to power our world.
Now, reader, do not dismiss this idea as poppycock. While I admire your vocabulary, you are being narrow minded. The logic is quite sound. We simply reanimate corpses of long dead people and use their insatiable lust for brains for physical labor. What could you possibly object to in that statement. Perhaps you are saying to yourself, but, sir, how are we to reanimate these zombies? Surely it will take vast amounts of energy. But yet I have anticipated this. The answer is that zombies, for this and only this reason, are impractical. We must have another source of labor. So, I examined other problems our nation is facing for answers. Within the coming years we will burdened with a Social Security crisis. The problem here is that simply we have to many elderly people to take care of. Now I am not equating zombies to old people. Nor am I suggesting they have any similarities. Nature does that.
Observe a mall early on every given day. You will see a phenomenon that scientists have yet to explain. There will be, before the stores are even open, elderly people milling around in circles. They have a natural urge to do this. It would not be hard or unreasonable to simply strap them to a turbine and power our cities with them.
There are those of you out there suggesting that this is somehow inhumane or cruel. It would only be that way if you believed that the elderly are incapable of doing work. You would seek to take away the worth of an individual by saying that they cannot work. The majority of elderly people feel like burdens without working and are lost without some form of agency. Elderly people have lost their place as respected leaders because our world changes to rapidly to have they same people be in positions of power for too long. Elderly people want to be useful. They want to do this. They deserve to be viewed as important parts of our society and I am shocked with you, that you would seek to deny this simple basic human right from them.
So you see this simple solution works to solve our social security problems, environmental and energy issues, as well as allowing elderly people, who have so long been neglected, as competent and respected members of society. So you know see that it would be patently ridiculous to not strap old people to giant turbines that generate power for these great United States.
-Riley |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|11:39 pm] |
Again no real update. But some poorly written poems. Any comments would be great.
Broken Record
I want to stop the wretched creature
In the street, and say
Mother, I love you
Or father, let’s get you
something to eat.
I want to tell you
that you might have every
one fooled. But not me.
And that you have the prettiest eyes
and though they are green,
I pretend they are grey.
I want to lead a expedition
To the moon in a silly little rocket
Or sail to Atlantis. Found a nation
that isn’t a nation. It’s just a notion.
I want to die naked
Fighting wolves
Or looking up
From a gutter.
But I won’t.
I am going to die
In a Barcalounger
Moderately content and
Utterly disappointed.
Buddha O'Connor
As the Buddhist monks chant and pray
the trees outside sway in the rhythm and
the wind. The monks offer oranges and music.
When I see the peacock fan they use to
splash water over statues, I think of
Flannery O’Connor, who was a Catholic
On the side of the road, there is
a white garage with red spray paint
that says “Crossing the Rubicon”
I can’t turn back now.
Wish me luck.
Failure disguised as nobility
I do not want to be a poet.
A poet is someone who masters
Words and rhythm and rhyme.
I can’t even master myself and I don’t
want to tell anything what to do.
Things were doing just fine
Before I got here and they will
Do just fine when I am dissolved.
To master something
You must know it.
To know something
You must define it.
To define something
You must remove all of its
Potential.
Saying what something is, is saying what is not
I say let it be what it is. Besides, I am what I am.
And that is a ramshackle charlatan.
So I don’t want to be a poet but
it might not be so bad to
write a few poems
-Riley
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| I'm getting harder than Chinese Algebra |
[Feb. 1st, 2009|10:15 am] |
Hey sorry gang no real update this week, just some poems.
The Labyrinth and the Giant
Not far from home
close to where I was born
there is a building where they keep paintings.
I have never been,
but I am sure it is lovely.
It costs something to go in, I think, but I don’t know.
I have been in the field behind it many times.
For the field is free and fair and full.
The winding path goes past bushes,
flowers of nature and of metal.
It is cold today.
The wind is the kind that laughs at your coat and cuts through your skin into your heart.
I feel ok for the first time in a long time.
I go down to what used to be a water basin.
As I pass two twiggy trees, their stubborn leaves clatter together
like delicate chimes of scarab shells.
They rattle.
Hello?
Or something more sinister?
I don’t know.
The water basin has been changed.
A mazing path for meditation and philosophy was laid with stones.
Made by and suitable for ages two to seventy-two, the sign says
Like Play-doh.
It is a coiled path to the center.
I see where I am going but not how I’ll get there.
I am pleased.
In the center every movement is echoed.
I shuffle my feet and a sound hits me back.
The grit rubbing together is louder than anything I have heard before.
Out in the field there is a giant of steel.
He sits with head in hand.
His size magnifies the tragedy.
Nature, too, has added her flourishes.
Tears that ran down his arm, are frozen.
Ice, like broken glass, lies at his feet.
His tears were frozen before I got there.
I know exactly how he feels.
Any comments on this one would be appreciated:
My Plan (in defense of Nero)
Step 1: Buy a Stradivarius
Step 2: Learn to play half as good as Paganini
Step 3: Wait for someone to burn down this goddamn town.
Step 4: Do what comes naturally
Say what you will about that goat
but if the rumor’s true
I think he did the only sensible thing.
I read this at open mic night:
Comments on A Miley Cyrus You Tube Video in Haiku
She is a fucking
whore but shes hot and i hit
dat about 12 times
The haters make her
Famous, colon P, so thanks to
All haters x D.
This reminds me
Of my BF frowning face.
Those eyes are not real.
I have a blood elf
hunter/undead death knight.
What levels are yours?
this girl is so dumb
and ugly and cannot sing
this is the last shit
SHE IS FUCKIN HOT!
I WOULD LICK HER ASSHOLE and
let her suck my dick.
OMG her hair
Looks awful with those highlights.
But Nice Video!
btw,
this reminded me of duff’s
movie. lol.
backpacks, clothes, jewlery,
sold out concerts, now a movie?
when will it stop?
Miley's awesome?
I beg to differ.
SSSLLUUTTT!!
this is going
to be the gayest
movie ever.
Death to Disney
(Not old disney,
but the new shit disney)
this movie
will be number 1
on the box office
In other news my previous two updates are going to appear in my schools alternative paper so that is cool.
-Riley |
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| New Update |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|03:45 pm] |
I think I speak for everyone, when I ask “What Gives?” Barack Obama has been president for almost a full week and nothing has changed. I’m still broke, my professors still insist that I do work, people don’t smile at each other for no reason, cake isn’t good for you, everyday is not so majestically beautiful that I can’t go five minutes without breaking down weeping in total and abject ecstasy, and I still drive a ‘94 station wagon instead of a unicorn or a griffon. Where’s all this change I was promised? Not even any pennies from heaven, but I have been burned by that line before (I’m looking at you, Prima!) At this point I would settle for some actual pocket change. It is a scary world out there and as a college student I have to start thinking about how I am going to make it in this economy. You, lucky reader, reap the benefits of my ponderings in this quick guide to the future of our economy. The way I see it, there are three possibilities for the future: the post-apocalyptic, the socialist dystopia, and the mildly difficult.
The post-apocalyptic is easy. If things go the way that they are headed, America will fall from its position in the world into a poverty stricken hellish nightmare. Americans will not be able to handle that sort of thing. It would not belong before madness sets and we turn on each other. There will be roving bands of crazed starving cannibals. Wal-marts and Kmarts will act as forts for warring clans and city-states. Lawlessness will be the norm and only the strong should survive. In this case, obviously, you should be able to adapt any standard zombie survival plan. If you don’t have a zombie survival plan, then I am afraid that I cannot help you. You are already dead.
The socialist dystopia is slightly easier but much less fun. One way out of the economic crisis is to absorb the private sector into the government. As more and more industries ask to be bailed out, many of our industries will be federalized. First, Wall street. Then, the auto industry. Before you know it emotions will be socialized. The good news is that you don’t have to do much of anything. Chances are you will have an urge to resist the changes around you, this is normal and expected. There will most likely be some sort of opiate, perhaps an actual drug, blind fervent hatred, or cold dispassionate logic. Consume as much of this opiate as possible. You might find yourself discontented in this new life and a stranger might reach out to you and encourage you to rebel. If it is a member of the opposite sex, I suggest that you love ’em and leave ’em. Turning them in to the state won’t just be advantageous for your future but also will provide you a cheap thrill. If it isn’t a member of the opposite sex then it’s a trap.
The least likely of the three outcomes is the one I have the most advice for. It just might happen that the economy will continue to be a little tight for a while but eventually get better. BORING. You know what that means, people are going to expect you to work hard. There are going to be a lot of words like “Green” and “socially responsible” thrown around. These do not mean lucrative positions nor do they have anything to do with parties. Most likely you will want to avoid these positions. What then are you to do? Allow me to suggest a few ideas to maximize your comfort and minimize your effort as you go out into this brave new world.
1. Did you know that you can sell many of the things that you find in your own body? Its true! Many of your organs come in twos, presumably, for this very reason. The good news is that the black market tends to benefit sellers when the real market takes a tumble. For example, one kidney can pay three months rent in downtown Manhattan. It is not just organs, but fluids too. Blood or blood related things like plasma can be sold to the right people. Now is not the time for charity. No donating. Sperm can also be sold (sorry ladies, but consider selling your eggs). If you don’t mind some illegality, consider selling your urine to people who must past drug tests. The best thing about selling your bodily fluids is that they are renewable. Now that’s thinking green. See I told you that word will be thrown around.
2. Typically the industries that do best in recessions and depressions are ones based on despair and depression. Alcohol is a good business to get in now. But do not sell anything that a self respecting person would buy. No wine unless it comes in a box. No beer that comes from microbreweries or in bottles. Unless one of your major concerns is whether or not your product will make your customers go blind, your profit margins are probably too narrow. Others might say that you are a glorified pusher with no respect for the lives you ruin, but what do they know? They are poor and possibly alcoholics. Also, consider actually pushing illegal drugs.
3. Street performing, panhandling, begging, and scavenging are all easy and require very little skill. However, in the coming days these positions will become much more competitive as more people lose their jobs. Also, the begging industry is largely driven by disposable incomes and despite frequent pleas the government has no plans to bail them out.
4. In the future, Hope will be an important commodity bought and sold like apples or Ronco Showtime Rotisserie Ovens. It is perfect for door to door transaction because it is small, compact, and abstract. The best thing about it is that you don’t actually have to have anything, just the idea that you might someday.
5. President of the United States of America is also a job that has become more viable despite the down turn in the economy. Barrack Obama has proved that this job has a much more open field than ever before. Unfortunately, it is still a highly competitive field but we will always have a demand for one. The perks of the job are a rent free home in the middle of a busy and vibrant city. The downside is the soul crushing weight of responsibility to all Americans.
I have only scratched the surface on all the opportunities the future has to offer. There are plenty of ideas out there so don’t be afraid to really do some creative thinking. A comfort with illegality and immorality certainly yields a greater number of options, but there are plenty of things you can do within the confines of the law. The important thing is that you have fun with it. Really savor the moment. Be the change you want.
-Riley |
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| The giant's tears were ice by the time I got there. |
[Jan. 18th, 2009|05:43 pm] |
In only a couple of days we will have a brand new president. An exciting BLACK president. Most people are excited. Some are scared, I suppose. I know that I am eventually am going to be disappointed with Obama not completely overhauling every aspect of American society, but I suppose it is okay. Inaugural day will prove to be one of the most important historical moments of my life and for the first time, this historic moment won’t be wholly negative. I must say that I am excited. But there are a few things that I would like to comment on.
The first is this goddamn foolish obsession Obama has for Abraham Lincoln. Not since the last Tim Burton movie have I seen such a public heterosexual love letter and it is almost as disturbing as Nixon’s ritualistic voodoo altar dedicated to Andrew Jackson that he had installed in his private office. But you all know about that. Newsflash Abraham Lincoln wasn’t that great. Disagree? You are an idiot. He wasn’t. Here are ten facts about Lincoln that might just show you the light.
1. He repealed habeas corpus.
It is true that in wartime many presidents have egregiously violated civil rights. One often cited example is FDR’s camps for Japanese Americans (which I still don’t understand the problem. I mean, when I was a kid, yeah, I didn’t want to go to camp but when my parents picked me up I didn’t want to leave.) It is never ok to trade your honor, integrity, or self respect for safety. To reject the very defining characteristic of western law, the very corner stone of justice, is not just tyrannical, it is cowardly.
2. The Emancipation Proclamation did not actually free the slaves.
It only freed slaves in the places that Lincoln did not actually control. He believed that he couldn’t actually constitutionally free slaves in the northern states only in newly acquired states. Thus, only new states and southern states conquered in the war were effected. More important and certainly more damning, Abraham Lincoln never thought of blacks as equal to whites and was in favor of sending them back to Africa.
3. He was wishy-washy.
Just look at this quote, “If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that.” Talk about your political flip-flopper. Pick a side Lincoln, you’re at war!
4. He was a Republican.
And everyone knows, Republicans are bad people. You know that right? Well your golden boy Lincoln started all that. Reaganomics? Lincoln. Segregation? Lincoln. Global Warming? Lincoln. So next time you crybaby liberals are crying over your poor little baby polar bears and your tears freeze, think of Lincoln. And for anyone who happens to be conservative, Lincoln was practically a communist. Talk about your big government. Tramping on state’s rights, creating the first income tax and establishing the Department of Agriculture. Typical liberal. Who is the government to tell me when I can and cannot celebrate Thanksgiving.
5. He had a very low approval rating.
President Bush is a bad president. How do I know this? He has a low approval rating. It is as simple as that. If many people feel a certain way then it is true. Grey’s Anatomy is a good show, the Iraq war was a good idea, and now it isn’t. Bush’s approval rating is like 23% or so. On Lincoln’s best day he never made it above 50%.
6. He was the only President to ever hold a patent.
I am not sure what it was for but there has got to be a 35% chance that it was some kind of weapon. I’d say, almost definitely, a death lazer of some kind.
7. He never finished Reconstruction.
Listen, there is never a good reason to cut and run. Did Reagan give up on the cold war just because he was technically dead? No he willed his body to continue to simulate life in some kind of “Weekend at Bernie’s II” emulation and he communicated with a mixture of recorded dialogue from his movies and random phrases recorded in an old folks home for people with severe dementia. Death is no excuse. They’re called bootstraps, Abe. Get some.
8. He was killed by an actor.
Speaking of his death, Abraham Lincoln, the most powerful man in the world was taken out by a some little pissant actor. A fucking actor! Are you kidding me? You what it takes to be an actor? Nothing. Any monkey can read lines on a page (Note: not every monkey can read lines on a page. In fact, I know of no monkeys that can do that and if there were they would be quite amazing.) It would be like Dane Cook killing Obama. Why Dane Cook? Cause, fuck him that is why. While I am at it, I think we should arrest him just to be safe. Just for the next four years.
9. He is on the penny.
When was the last time you were excited about getting a penny? Have you ever been happy about it? Ever? No they are glorified pieces of trash paid for by tax payers and a huge waste of copper or whatever pennies are made out of. The only thing they are good for is for throwing them into various kinds of man-made bodies of water. Oh and killing people off the empire state building. Either way, they are very dangerous.
10. He was ugly.
Ugly people are worthless.
A couple of other thoughts about next Tuesday:
When Obama makes reference to Martin Luther King’s famous speech, I will respond by yelling, “That was yesterday! Get over it already!” It is inevitable. I can only hope that I am not around strangers.
I heard that some people wear dippers to the New Years Eve celebration in Times Square because it was so crowded and you can‘t get to a bathroom. I wonder if it will be the same there. Probably. Those people are psychotic.
It is not to late for Obama to pick an awesome animal for the white house pet. There have been a pygmy hippo, grizzly bear, and a badger. We could have the fist tiger or Sumatran rhino in the White House. Oh well.
I am kind of excited that the official train is going through Wilmington even if I am not going to see it. Its still exciting.
Ok so that’s all for this week. I hope you all enjoy your week. See you all in post-racial socialist America.
-Riley |
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| The only appropriate response to Jane Austin is to sing scat or trumpet playing when possible. |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|11:40 pm] |
Now I say that the homeless man I mentioned last week earned his money because he did something. He entertained me. I believe in giving homeless people money only when they earn it by entertaining me. Not like bum fights or anything like that. If a homeless man or woman can think of a good story, a good line, something more than just “can I get some money for the bus,” then I don’t feel that I am doing any sort of charity by giving them a couple of bucks.
But that is what I like about New York. You can just walk around and meet people and to be shown signs. And that is what the most important thing about this trip to New York. I am now thinking about my future for one of the first times that I can remember. I know that I can’t just fall into something. I know that I don’t have any experience and at this point I know that I am basically useless as an adult. But I know what I want. Well, I have a vague direction, now. I have to be a writer or a comedian. And that is what I have figured out.
I have been watching 30 Rock. I want that life. I want to be a television writer or a novelist. I might not be happy doing anything else. So I have decided that I have to start figuring out how to do it. I need to write. Weekly posting on this journal at least. I am going to write for the alternative paper at my school. I might do improv at school. I will keep doing open mic nights. I am going to try and get an internship with The Onion, The Daily Show, Colbert Report, or some other such place. I know I am a long shot but I think that I should be doing something.
The point of this is that I will be updating this journal once a week on various things. The posts will be longer but not necessarily that much better quality.
-Riley |
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| Once I got the handjob out, I knew I was going to be alright. |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|07:57 pm] |
For the third time now I have gone into the bathroom in my house and cursory glanced at the paper by the scale. And for the third time now, in my cursory glance, I have momentarily misread the paper. The paper gives some advice, presumably it is for the new year because that is when this sort of advice is prevalent. It proclaims “Get Organized!” I have read it as “Get Sodomized.” Now, I have misread it, as I have said, not just once but three times. The questions raised in my mind are indeed troubling. Why did my brain make that jump? Regardless, I have noticed that this, the misreading of signs, headlines, and the like, is quite common to me.
I’ll give you another example. The other day, for my mother’s birthday, the family and I went up to New York City. My mother wanted to see Macy’s Christmas displays. My father, my mother, my brother, his girlfriend and I all took the train up and just walked around. When we pulled into Penn Station, I saw a sign about childhood. It listed a few things that childhood should have, including, “Two Wheelers” and “S’mores” which I read as “Two Whores,” which is weird because I cannot remember even one whore in my childhood. Wishful thinking perhaps.
But I do enjoy New York City very much. It was crowded with tourists. As one man, who looked like a cross between a late 70s rhythm guitar player and a street magician, put it, “Fucking tourists!” as he darted out into the streets. Apparently, in New York it is customary to walk out in the street where the cars go. I had no idea. I also had some problems walking into people because they did not understand that is customary for me to only step on the white lines when crossing the cross walks.
One of my favorite things about New York is the homeless people. That sounds callous. But every time we go up to New York to just walk around I always meet an interesting homeless person. The one on this trip was a black gentleman with a sign that read “I need money for Booze, Hookers, and Drugs. Hey at least I am not bullshitting you.” When I pointed him out to my brother, the man locked eyes with him and said “Heil Hitler.” I could not give this man the dollar he rightfully earned because the light changed and we had to cross the street. On the Busey scale, he was about an 6.7.
I have more to say about New York and why I am updating for the first time in more than a year, but I am off on a road trip so until another time dear reader.
-Riley |
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| Yeah, I post papers. |
[Jul. 25th, 2008|06:18 pm] |
James Riley
Professor Seiler
American Studies 301
May 6, 2008
The Boondocks:
A Look At Different Responses To Black Identity
The Boondocks is a animated television show based on Aaron McGruder’s comic strip of the same name. Self-described as a “thought-provoking family-based comedy brimming with social relevance and satire,” The Boondocks is a look at modern day black life through the eyes of the Freeman family, which consists of Robert Jebediah Freeman and his two grandsons Huey and Riley (The Boondocks-Official Site). The Freemans have recently moved to the predominantly white Chicago suburb Woodcrest, the eponymous boondocks of the series. Together with the characters of Uncle Ruckus, 11-year old biracial Jasmine Dubois, and her black father, Tom Dubois, McGruder shows an extensive, but not exhaustive, look at black identity. The Boondocks shows conflict between the “double consciousness” of black identity through various black/black as well as white/black relationships and interactions. Each character response to Black identity is unique. The Boondocks explores what it means to be black in America, which is to be torn between two conflicting expectations and to have two identities, and it shows ultimately black culture and white culture, while certainly different, are better when draw from each other than they are in isolation.
Black intellectuals have theorized and debated what black identity means since Fredric Douglas (Shelby 200). While theorist have disagreed as to what constitutes blackness and whether it is an essentialist quality or socially constructed identity, most have pointed to the idea of double consciousness. Black men and women have been forced into two identities because they are caught in two worlds, the black and the white one. This conflict manifests itself in ways that unique to each individual. Mark Anthony Neal recalls “I was haunted by the concern of whether I would continue to be perceived as authentically “black” to my crew of boyhood friends. I was faced with the quandary that many black young people face when their identities are torn between the need to “keep it real” and the desire to be themselves” (176). He points out that the black community has expectation on how a black man or woman should act. These expectations do not always match up with each individual, causing internal conflict within a black man or woman to act differently then they want to.
Likewise, white society has expectations of blacks. If a black man is to be taken serious he must, as Riley Freeman points out, “say the whole word” when he speaks and conduct himself in a “white” manner (“The Garden Party”). As Frantz Fanon puts it, “In any group of young men in the Antilles, the one who expresses himself well, who has mastered the language, is inordinately feared; keep an eye on that one, he is almost white. In France one says, ‘He talks like a book.’ In Martinique, ‘He talks like a white man.’” (21). Intelligence is seen as something inherently white. Educated blacks are nothing more then poor imitations of white men. They cannot be excepted as equals because the mainstream power structure has the idea of white superiority built into it. Thus, a black man, in a quest to meet a white man as an equal on white terms will as, Frantz Fanon suggests, “stumble, and the movements, the attitudes, the glances of others fixed [him] there” (109). While Fanon realizes that he will not be accepted as a white man he still admits “out of the blackest part of my soul, across the zebra striping of my mind, surges this desire to be suddenly white”(63). He wants to be a seen as human which is impossible. He cannot be a black and fully human in the eyes of whites and he certainly cannot be white.
Like Fanon, Cornel West argues that the black identity it conflicted mostly due to the white supremacist power structure. Many blacks seek power by becoming part of the mainstream. West refers to this idea as the “Booker T. Temptation” and he suggests that this is ultimately suicide (265). Not only is it impossible for a black person to succeed in a system that considers him inferior, but if he could succeed he would do so only by rejecting his culture and history. Black culture is rejected on the basis that it does not conform to white standards and not on artistic or humanistic grounds. West points out in addition to the black community has its own expectations of black people which sometimes ironically results in blacks being criticized for acting too white.
Michelle M. Wright discusses black identity in her book Becoming Black. She argues that blackness is an artificial construct that only exists to define whites in opposition to the other of blacks. She states that, “blackness only became a racial category with the forced removal of West Africans to the Western Hemisphere” (1). She too recognizes the fact of double consciousness. She points out that while Blacks are not a homogenous block of essentially the same people they do have an identity defined by a shared history. Wright argues that “any truly accurate definition of an African diasporic identity, then, must somehow simultaneously incorporate the diversity of Black identities in the diaspora yet also link all those identities to show that they indeed constitute a diaspora rather than an aggregate of different peoples linked only in name” (2). Wright recognizes a “complex negotiation between dominate and minority cultures that all peoples of African descent in the West - philosophers or not -must make in order to survive, whether physically or psychologically”(26). Her understanding of black identity is one that is complex enough to include differences in gender, sexual orientation, and any other number of differences yet she recognizes a decidedly black culture that is not accepted in mainstream white society and is therefore separate.
West, Wright, Neal and Fanon argue that blackness is a socially constructed identity and there is no fundamental real difference between whites and blacks as human beings. However, that is not to suggest that black culture is any less legitimate or that blacks have the same culture and history as whites. However, there is a disconnect as to what black identity is. As Neal puts it, “The problem, though, was that we hadn’t a clue what it means to be black” (176). Neal insists that today black identities are explored in many different ways. He points out the pattern he has witnessed on college campuses of three broad groups of black students. These groups are the activist, those that support black issues and see their African roots as the most important part of their identity, the strivers, those who, that like Granddad, want to fulfill middle class dreams of success and the crossover types, like Tom and Uncle Ruckus, who simply downplay their social constructed black identities. The crossover types draw the most criticism for selling out or acting white.
Robert Freeman represents a one response to black identity. Robert Freeman, usually referred to Granddad in the series, was involved with the civil rights movement. As such, his thoughts, feelings and responses to life are very different than his grandsons or anyone of a younger generation. He often is unaware of modern slang and popular culture. This is probably a comment that McGurder is making about the older generation. They are out of touch with modern black culture and their ideas of identity are antiquated and impractical. Robert is also a slightly selfish character. He was responsible to the move to Woodcrest, which was as much for himself as it was to provide opportunity to his Grandsons. Like many older black men and women, he, much to the displeasure of Huey and Riley, seeks to integrate, but not assimilate, into white society. He wants to be a respected member of society. However he also clings to traditional black culture, such as soul food Sunday dinners, as well as engages in new black culture, watching movies like Friday and the fictitious Soul Plane II. It is important to note that while Granddad wants to be part of white suburban society, something that surely represents to him the fulfillment of the American Dream, he does not want to lose all of his unique black identity. He argues with Ruckus about the supposed superiority of white people and is proud of his culture and history. His desire to join white culture comes from a desire of the good life and not because Granddad sees any inferiority in his race nor his races’ culture as a whole. He disagrees with much of Huey’s political beliefs and Riley’s cultural attachments. However, this is mostly a function of age.
Riley Freeman is representative of the response of gangster rap to black identity. He, like Granddad but unlike Huey, is deeply concerned with how others see him. Unlike Granddad, however, he does not see white suburbia as the path to respect and power. Rather, Riley seeks to fulfill the popular black expectations of masculinity. He embraces the gangster lifestyle in his behavior and clothing choices. Riley responds to the question of black identity by engaging in behavior that popular black culture deems appropriate. He “acts black” and “keeps it real” by following what he is shown in the media as popular renderings of masculine powerful figures. Huey and Riley are very similar in their connection the black struggle for power but they approach it with very different mindsets and in very different ways. While Huey engages political actions and revolutionary activity, Riley engages in violent criminal behavior. His criminal behavior includes vandalizing property, aiding in robberies and kidnappings, beating a mall Santa, and organizing a street fight. Riley is a talented, showing a distinct aptitude for the visual arts and particularly quick wit, though he chooses to use his abilities in crafting the persona he thinks other expect from him: a homophobic, misogynistic gangster. He does not see the value in education or being informed about real issues. However, Riley does have moments of sincere love and compassion that demonstrate he is not what he tries to emulate.
The character of Riley brings up a interesting phenomenon. Black men and women limit themselves to roles that, unlike the Sambo and Mammy figures, are not imposed from outside. Black men and women choose to be labeled and de-individualized as gangtas and hoes as a form of empowerment. As Wright points out “ like their white counterparts, many Blacks in the diaspora prefer formations that, whether explicitly enunciating ‘nation’ or ‘diaspora,’ implicitly embrace nationalist discourse’s call for an enforced heteropatriarchal homogeneity through which ’authentic’ Blackness comes into being” (229). Many people find it easier to just connect themselves to a pre-established personal identity than to be unique individuals.
McGruder, who admittedly is not interested in speaking for the whole black community, does not include any main characters that represent the issues of identity of either homosexual blacks or black women. However, two episodes touch on black male identities and their responses toward women and homosexuality. “Guess Hoes Coming to Dinner,” the third episode of the first season, centers around a relationship between Granddad and a young woman named Cristal, “like the Champagne,” who is clearly a prostitute. The other episode, “The Story of Gangstalicious,” is about the outing of a homosexual rapper.
The response of Riley, Huey and Granddad to Cristal reflects their identity as black men. Riley, who idolizes a largely misogynistic culture, sees Cristal as, and all women, “a hoe.” Huey knows that Cristal is indeed a “hoe,” but admonishes Riley stating that “all women are not hoes. We're talkin' twenty... twenty-five percent tops” (“Guess…”). Riley questions the difference between taking a girl out to eat and prostitution asking “but if they not all hoes, then why I got to pay to take 'em out to eat, then? I mean, I'm payin'. That's payment”(“Guess…”). Riley does not approve of this type of behavior, whether it be hiring a prostitute or simply dating someone. Riley questions Granddad about his failure to meet rap culture’s expectations on how to treat women, “Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that” (“Guess…”)? He sees Granddad’s actions as un-masculine and the first step in losing your identity, “That’s how it starts, you know? Takin' bitches out to eat — meals and whatnot. Next thing you know, you wake up in a rest haven for hoes. A sanctuary for scandalous skeezes and stunts”(“Guess…”). Riley has a distorted understanding of women that has given to him by the culture he identifies with. The question then becomes why do certain black men feel they must subjugate women? Mark Anthony Neal quotes Huey’s namesake for the answer, “We want to hit the woman or shut her up because we are afraid that she might castrate us, or take the nuts that we might not have to start with” (qtd. in Neal 6). Neal goes further to explain this pattern of female subjugation by discussing the “baby’s mama” and the “chickenhead” two stereotypes perpetuated by men and women in the black community. He explains Riley’s, and the gansta rap communities’, treatment of women:
But the baby mama also serves as a particular sign within contemporary black male discourses that are connected to black male desires to be seen as competent and meaningful players within social and political spheres perceived as the white male domains of capital and material accumulation. The ability of some young black men to “handle their bizness“ takes place in realms of accumulation as diverse as the illicit drug economy; the burgeoning urban popular culture industries, including the record and dot-com industries; and traditional corporate settings. Within this context the baby mama and her cousin the “chickenhead” are seen as threats to this provinces of black male ambition and autonomy, in that they are solely interested in generating status and finances from their “partnerships” with black men ( 75 ).
Women are subjugated by some black men because those men feel it gives them power. If a man respects a woman or puts her needs above his own desires, that is a weakness. Thus, Granddad’s real love for Cristal is a failure to be a man in Riley’s eyes. This mantra of “hommies over hoes” is sung by Riley’s favorite rapper, Gangstalicious, who ironically is a closeted homosexual.
Homophobia is sometimes part of the black identity. This is not to suggest that the black community as a whole is any more homophobic than the white community. However, just as misogyny is part of the gansta rap culture, so is homophobia. Riley, in an attempt to emulate gangsta masculinity, is constantly deriding the slightest male physical affection as “gay”. Again, Huey P. Newton suggests reasons for this, “ We want to hit the homosexual in the mouth because we are afraid we might be homosexual” (qtd. in Neal 5). To be gay is to be seen as weak. It is not considered what a man should be by many in the gansta rap community. Gangstalicious denies his real self to Riley and the rest of the world in order to “keep it real”. Gangstalicious is sure that his outing will destroy his career, which is built on songs that connect himself with a preconceived notion of what a strong black man should be. Gangstalicious is more concerned with his public identity than his internal and real identity.
The Freeman’s neighbors, the Dubois Family, represents another kind of black identity. Tom Dubois, presumably named after the literary figure Uncle Tom and W.E.B. Du Bois, is a straight-laced lawyer that is married to a white woman. While Tom is an avid supporter of the NAACP and other pro-black causes, he is a prosecuting lawyer that often sends black men into a corrupt prison system. He is a conflicted character as he is both part of the system and someone who sees its flaws. Jazmine DuBois, his daughter, is much more naïve than any other character on the show. Her lack of knowledge, especially about racial matters, may reflect her confused identity as a biracial child. Huey is critical of her lack of commitment to any Black cause and lack of knowledge.
W.E.B Du Bois formulated the idea of the talented tenth in 1903. It was a strategy to raise the black race out of its plight. As Du Bois explains, “The Negro race, like all races, is going to be saved by its exceptional men”(“Talented Tenth”). Tom is a highly successful lawyer, who went to an Ivy League college, and therefore represents one of the men Du Bois argued would lead men into equality. However, in the episode “The Trial of Robert Kelly,” Tom is prosecuting an easy case against Kelly that he loses. Despite the mountains of evidence, including a video of R. Kelly urinating on a girl, the white defending lawyer convinces the jury, a group that surely is the worst of black society, that Tom represents a racist system that wants to put R. Kelly in jail out of spite. The defender points to Toms white wife as a sign that Tom is a sellout. McGruder is not necessarily saying that the talented tenth is a failure because it is a bad idea, as Huey also fails to convince the jury that R. Kelly is guilty, however it does clearly fail. Tom is somewhat of a caricature of a squeamish white man despite the fact that he is black. However just because Tom “acts white” does not mean he wants to be white.
The same cannot be said of Uncle Ruckus. Uncle Ruckus is a self-loathing black man that claims to not be black at all but has what he calls re-vitiligo, the constant darkening of his skin. Uncle Ruckus hates black people and anything related to black people. His deepest desire is to be white. He desperately wants to be what he is not. Ruckus constantly disparages blacks as a race frequently calling them monkeys and even refers to himself, as a black man, derogatory terms. Ruckus even develops a religious movement based on salvation through the hatred of black people (“The Pasion of Uncle Ruckus“). Uncle Ruckus is an ridiculous parody of white supremacists and self hating black people. He is the extreme response that Cornell West’s Booker T. Temptation (265). In Ruckus’ generation, the desire to be excepted as an equal often manifested itself in a desire to be white, as seen in Fanons’ earlier quote. However, McGruder is exposing the ridiculousness of this denial of the black identity by portraying Ruckus as such an absurd man.
Likewise, McGruder portrays Huey Freeman as a capable, reasonable, and highly intelligent character in order to indicate that his response to black identity is superior to others. Huey Freeman, the 10-year old revolutionary and often narrator of the show, is arguably the main character of the series. Named after the Black Panther Party founder, Huey is the series most vocal social critic. He represents the black intelligentsia and black nationalist responses the question of black identity. He is more aware of what is going on then any other character and is socially active in many liberal and radical causes. His commentaries and actions show his frustration with his surroundings and the inane behavior of others, which include blacks just as much as whites, however he often shows compassion and sympathy for people he disagrees with or those who mock him, specifically his grandfather and brother. His rationality and abilities, that surpass nearly everyone else’s, support Huey’s political, racial, and moral convictions as the best response to black identity. He puts a great deal of effort into bettering himself and his people, especially his brother. Huey blends ideas form other responses to identity into his own. He, like Du Bois, sees the value in education as shown when he wryly responds “I know! Let's both go to college so that we don't end up like Gangstalicious!” to Riley’s insistence that they do something to help the recently shot rapper. Huey acknowledges his identity as a black person yet maintains his individuality, making him the most complex character on the show.
Huey’s views on black identity share one thing in common with Riley’s view. They both connect with all other blacks on the mere basis of the color of their skin. Huey is a self-described radical political activist. He believes deeply in black nationalism, which Tommie Shelby calls “one of the oldest and most enduring traditions in American political thought.” (24) There have been many kinds of black nationalist philosophies but they all feature racial pride and a certain level of independence from whites (Shelby 24). Black nationalism connects people by race and allows for political power to be realized by a people. Paul Gilroy cites that “identity becomes a question of power and authority when a group seeks to realize itself in political form” (99). Thus black nationalism allows American blacks to have a voice. However, Mark Anthony Neal tells us “yet it [Black Nationalism] also added restrictions of its own; it often functioned to keep the various black identities within segregated black spaces, subsumed within the rubric of a common black identity”(176). Another flaw in black nationalism is that it can lead to black isolation. However, not all black pride and independence necessarily results in this. For Huey, and a number of black nationalism propionates, the benefit of black nationalism outweigh the possible flaws. Huey is primarily concerned with the struggle against white supremacist power structure. In response to his grandfather’s assertion that the “new white man” will become docile when you give him cheese, Huey argues “ Granddad, you can't tame the white supremacist power structure with cheese”(“The Garden Party”)! Huey is frustrated with his Grandfather because Huey feels that Granddad is forgetting black American history. Granddad is willing to forgive failures in American history without rectifying them first. Black nationalism provides Huey with a cultural memory that informs Huey with a past he has never experienced. It is in this memory that we are able to overcome the mistakes of the past. We cannot forget what has happened. We must confront history. Rhea says nationalist leaders felt strongly about memory, “Carmichael, like generations of black intellectuals before him, regarded memory as a central support for white cultural hegemony. By attacking white collective memory, Carmichael believed, blacks could destroy the larger culture of racism which continued to hold them back”(103). Stokely Carmichael, a member of black nationalist and Pan-Africanist movement, argued that blacks must embrace their identity as blacks and remember black history because he believed, like Huey does, that the only way for blacks to achieve political power was to maintain their identity and not assimilate into white society.
Black nationalist all agree that knowledge in black history is essential to the future of black Americans. However there is a discussion between Black nationalists on which history to focus on. Many black nationalists believed in Afrocentrism and thought that all blacks should trace their roots back to Africa. Memory was the key to this theory, as Joseph Rhea points out, “like many Afrocentrists, Malcom X lamented that white hegemony had caused a general forgetfulness of Africa among America blacks.” (106). Afrocentrist felt that mythologizing and creating propaganda about their history in order to counter act white propaganda and false history (Rhea 106). Afrocentrist sought to create in the consciousness of blacks a unified and glorious Africa. They did not focus on the facts of Black African slave traders or the historical facts of tribal warfare. Their argument was that Pan-African unity will create political strength for black Americans. Ironically, critics accused this type of nationalism of relying on false memories. Most notably Martin Luther King argued “The Negro is an American. We know nothing of Africa. He’s got to face the fact that he is an American” (qtd. In Rhea 109). Black nationalists like King agreed that black American history was what really connected American blacks. The realities of American slavery was more important to these nationalists than the kingdoms of pre-white contact Africa. While Huey does not express his opinions on the subject directly, he does not have patience for people who lie to themselves about realities. In the episode “The Trial of Robert Kelly” Huey shows his frustration “What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges, but R. Kelly is not one of those men!” Huey believes in truth above racial unity and knows that black identity is a post-diaspora construct.
In the episode Wingmen, Huey goes back to his old Chicago with his grandfather and brother to attend the funeral of his grandfather’s old war friend. Huey meets up with his best friend Cairo, who is cold to Huey as he feels that Huey has sold out and betrayed him. Cairo has replaced Huey with an revolutionary poser, who introduces himself with “What’s up? Struggle is up, brutha. O-pression is up, brutha. Salami eggs and bacon. My name is Dewey Obababa-OOOOOhh-mamase-mamasa-mamakosa... Jenkins.” Clearly, Dewey has no real connection to African culture. He even mistakes how to say the common Islamic greeting “As-Salamu Alaykum“, which indicates a lack of understanding of the doctrine he espouses or any practical notion of black identity. This in itself suggests that Afrocentrists are making insubstantial connections. While Huey does respect his heritage and considers Afrocentrists like Malcom X his heroes, Huey is primarily concerned with his real existence and the history of American blacks, Huey is concerned with the immediate problems harming the people he sees. As Rhea says “black intellectuals have criticized Afrocentrism both for its anti-empiricism and for its obscuring the real needs of the black poor” (111). Oppression and Struggle are certainly a reality but Huey does not believe that poetry or wearing traditional African clothing will help.
Huey is a complex person but he is nevertheless truly compassionate. Huey struggles to make things better despite his being largely ignored and mocked. As Huey admits “I admit that I am often vexed at the behavior of my own people. Yeah vexed is a good word. You do what you can to help black folks, and they make you wonder why you even bother. But they’re our people and we gotta love them regardless.” (“The Trial of Robert Kelly”). This statement sums up the mood of the show. Black people are not shown as superior nor inferior. They simply are a group of people that share an identity and a culture. They are not separate from whites in humanity but they do have an identity based on the color of their skin. Even though this identify is social constructed both from external and internal forces, it is none the less real.
As Gilroy states “there is more at stake in the current interest in identity than we often appreciate” (98). He adds, “we are constantly informed that to share an identity is to be bonded on the most fundamental levels” (98). While this can be true it does not mean much about the individuals that share that identity. Huey Freeman is far more different from Uncle Ruckus than he is from many white people. However, they still share the fact of their race. Gilroy warns that today this kind of identity is often seen as “a thing to be possessed and displayed. It is a silent sign that closes down the possibility of communications” between groups with different identities (103). Essentialist black identity then is detrimental because it closes ranks and turns into an insular group, the Talented Tenth Seduction that Cornell West argues against. It is also dangerous and harmful because as Gilroy states, “the scope for individual agency dwindles and then disappears”(104). However, The Boondocks is not suggesting this kind of understanding of identity. Black identity is different from white identity not because of essential biological differences but because of differences in culture, social and political power, and history. The Boondocks does not advocate separateness nor the lack of communication between groups it merely asserts that to call white identity and black identity the same is incorrect.
In fact, The Boondocks thrives on the trade of cultures. It is enriched because it embraces other cultures. Its animation style is highly reminiscent of anime. McGurder himself cites Samurai Champloo and Cowboy Bebop (two prominent anime shows) as direct influences (Rogers). The movie Star Wars is referenced multiple times. The characters themselves embrace other cultures in addition to their own. While Huey is intensely aware and a great proponent of black culture and nationalism, he is also interested in other culture. He is an Elton John fan and he has a great deal of respect for Asian cultures as he is a skilled practitioner of martial arts. Granddads tears up at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and Riley is a big fan of the movie Scarface. Even the fact that The Boondocks is shown on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim programming lineup indicates a significant trade of culture. The other shows are not centered around black issues or even feature many black characters.
The task of all new social critics, argue intellectuals like Cornell West, is to examine their own culture and destroy the harmful and destructive elements therein. Whites must earnestly and honestly look at the mainstream power structure and see what is positive and should remain intact while dismantling the elements that keep minorities from succeeding. The elimination of exclusionary aspects of the dominate power structure and the black community will allow for culture to be traded and understood on its own terms and not insulated terms of a solely black community nor European traditions masquerading as universal human values. If we are to, as Fanon wishes, “come lithe and young into a world that [is] ours and help build it together”, then we must see and respect differences where they truly exists and destroy the false impressions of them where they do not (113). The equal exchange of culture can achieve wonderful things but only if we understand and accept that culture for what it is. |
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| Harry Potter Movie Review. |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|05:16 pm] |
This is an updated version of an old entry. I still think its funny:
My friends and I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at midnight on its debut. I must admit I enjoyed myself very much. It could have been the appreciation of the dress-ups or that my friends and I made jokes through 2 hours and 15 minutes of film. Perhaps it is because the movie was actually good. I believe its all three.
The Movie is good, not great, not bad, just good. I have no real complaints nor did I notice anything unusually well done. I do however think it was too short. While it was fast paced it had no sub plots to speak of that are characteristic of the past movies. The characters were slightly more developed and interesting than they have been in the past movies but its seems to me that they could have invested more time in it.
The movie starts in an wasteland playground presumably in modern day England, if modern day England looks exactly like the soulless gray dystopian world of 1984 or A Clockwork Orange. By the way, it does. It seems that Harry’s cousin and his fellow English bullies have beaten up a single ten year old for some candy or some such trifling vaguely villainous act. However, Harry, sitting alone on a swing, comes out of his dream-like trance to the sad reality that his parents are still dead and won’t be underdoging him anytime soon. Why Harry and his Cousin are hanging out voluntarily together is unanswered. Harry confronts his cousin and his cousin’s Nike clad vaguely “urban” goons. Harry bravely stands up for the 10 year old, after the ten year old has left and the damage has been done. Opportune timing, Mr. Potter. Harry calls his cousin a jerk or something. The dopey faced bulging twerp responds in the logical and prudent way, by ripping into the soft scar tissue left by the untimely death of Harry’s dead mother. Interspersed are cuts of the fat stupid looking cousin maul agape with zingers like “Your parents are dead” and the perpetual crybaby letting his rage build. Finally, the beast is released and Harry moves for the kill. Fatty and his posse guffaw at Harry’s wand placement but before he can give those smug teenagers something to laugh about a storm arises and the cousin and Harry must run for cover. This storm is of course not one of the normal rain storms that occur approximately every fifteen minutes in England, but are caused by magic, evil magic. Soul suckers swoop in and attack but before they can say “Shiiire” or even “Baagginssss”, Harry defeats them handily. He gets home with the aid of some woman that appears out of nowhere and seems to be important but really is not. Harry’s Aunt and Uncle go completely apeshit over the near comatose state of their baby boy. Riot Act read, Harry believes he is in the clear. What more can the corpulent uncle do? Nothing. But not so fast! It seems the spell cast to save Fatty’s and Harry’s respective lives will cost Harry his place at Hogwarts. Harry Potter breaks rules and is forgiven for them practically everyday. Rather than consider that pattern and realize that too many people are invested in his continued schooling to allow his self defense to end that career, the ever petulant child that is Harry Potter cries in his room.
Cue the rescue. Prof. Google-Eyed, Some Woman, A Black Guy and some other equality friendly wizards (I think one was in a flying wheelchair and the other was like have chameleon) totally surprise the shit out of Harry by telling him that they are once again taking him from his meanypants Aunt and Uncle to a secret club house where all of Harry’s loved ones are including his godfather, Gary Oldman. On the way there Prof Google-Eyed, master of the dramatic, tells them if they are killed to “stay in formation". Dumb. Harry, at the house, meets a mumbling old goblin or elf or something talking about the good old days when a nigger, excuse me “mud-blood” knew his place. The irony is rich here as the elf or goblin or whatever is himself Gary Oldman’s slave. Yes very rich and probably very unintentional. Harry retreats farther upstairs to see his good pals. But its not all cheerios and hugs. “Why Haven’t You Tried To Contact Me?” Harry demands. Oh I don’t know, maybe because the most evil mother fucker since Vampire Hitler is trying to FUCKING END YOUR LIFE. Are you serious Potter? You want a carrier pidgin? Pick up a phone.
Well it seems the mass assemblage of people downstairs is discussing killing Voldemort and some secret that Harry can’t know. And that secret that Harry can’t know is important to note. The director makes sure that I note it by spending three or four scenes almost telling Harry what it is. So close. It is finally time for sun shines and giggles though when all eight people that care about Harry express their robotic strained affection.
Then its trial time. Scenes of wacky wizards not understanding human things lead the sequence. What’s a subway? Whoa culture shock. Potter, that unbelievable smuck, can’t be bother to button his collar, let alone put on a tie, for the trial that will decide the fate of his schooling and subsequent ability to defend his life against the dozens of powerful adult wizards that have made the murder of Harry Potter their all-consuming reason for living. Let me stress this again. A great deal of people, powerful people, openly want Harry dead. Nothing would please them more than his lifeless corpse. Yet Harry continues to live his normal life of just making it through that blackboard jungle of mean teachers and that all powerful in crowd. Pop quiz. Which one doesn’t belong a. Lizzy McGuire, b. Zoey 101, or c. The Diary of Anne Frank. I mean seriously this kid’s life in is in danger. Why he is not being trained round the clock to be the ultimate wizard is out of the realm of my comprehension. I understand that he should be able to live a normal life but step it up. people. This kid could die any minute. I am just saying that I can’t see how a thorough examination on an in-depth knowledge of different kinds of non-dangerous magical plants is going to keep him from the clutches of the growing Nazi storm.
Anyway Harry’s trial is moved in order to fuck him up but the D-Man shows up and owns in traditional style. He is just plain fabulous. All charges are dropped. The rules do not apply to Harry Potter. But unlike the other 665 judges one hate filled (not to mention custard-filled) Anne Coulter fan club president starts spitting to Albus Dumbledore saying that rules are not meant to be broken. Looking back on it I think she called him a “Faggot” too but I am not sure. Rules? Is she serious? Doesn’t she know that the stupid and arbitrary rules of the wizarding world only apply to the non-famous and poor. You see? We aren’t that different from magic folk. Well Dumbledore is not hearing any of this noise and he tells her to bugger off or some such British cliché.
Well that’s cleared up and I don’t see how that one nay-saying harpy can ever negatively impact Harry ever again. On to School! Harry passes the other bully in his life, the asspounding bigot Draco. Again with the dead parents insults. Harry is agitated. It seems battling the greatest villain in wizard history has not taught Harry to let some things roll of his back like the cookie cutter insults from Brad Thurston III and his upper crust highfiving posse. Harry’s trio meets up with the bumbling Neville to get to the castle by the horseless carriages. But what is this? They are not horseless carriages, they are pulled by invisible beasts of burden that are all skeletal and dying. I don’t think they are fed very well, probably because no one can find them.
Cue the standard “Harry sees/hears things others don’t“ plot device. However the disbelief is cut short when a new character tells Harry that she can see them too. Her name is Luna Lovegood. For the record, J.K. Rowling is the greatest namer in literary history. She makes Charles Dickens look like a three fingered baboon that has taken the worst end of a claw hammer to his head. Also, the baboon’s typewriter is broken.
Evanna Lynch, the actress playing Luna, is better in her role than most of the other kids in the movie who are still trying to figure how to get out of that paper bag. It seems with any of J.K.Rowling’s characters if they have any depth they have to be considered weird by most of the people around them. You look at the character of Snape and see that he is miserable and alone but is practically the only person who is his own man. It seems that individuals are treated poorly in the wizarding world. Luna maybe be Looney… Hey I just got it. Rowling is amazing! She has common sense and is not susceptible to high school bullshit.
Well, Luna, the pale 15 year old hottie, weirds out the trio and Neville with her cooky talk until they all reach the main hall where they all start gorging themselves on the wizard feast. The D-Man steps up and starts talking. Everyone starts shitting themselves at the sound of his glorious voice. He introduces the new teachers. HOLY CRAP! Its that same overly conservative woman from Harry’s trial. I hope she can be civil and fair by keeping the trial from interfering from her sacred duty as Harry’s educator. Dumbledore introduces her as Dolores Umbridge. Again with the names. I am surprised Dumbledore isn’t named Wiser Agedson. Umbridge is considered by many to be the most hated character in the series, according to wikipedia. It is very hard to tell this in the film. Every time the overbearing Umbridge is presented as a one dimensional conservative bitch who exists only as a literary device to fuck shit up for Harry. Truly great villains can either be pitied or understood in some way. The only pity I have for Umbridge is that her author or director gave her no humanity. The screen should flash the words hiss and boo every time she is on screen. She interrupts D-Man’s speech to deliver some conservative propaganda about maintaining ideals and not breaking rules. Uh oh, Harry it looks like its curtains for that mischief you have been planning.
School starts sucking hardcore for Harry. Everyone (one kid) is all doubtful of Harry’s admittedly dubious stories of people coming back to life and murdering attractive popular kids. Why anyone could possibly doubt the zombie talk that leads to the end of the world, is beyond me. But never the less Harry goes all Anakin, being moody and brash and distant like some sort of petulant crybaby instead of manning up to reality and thanking his friends for having the infinite patience to deal with him. He starts having dreams of killing Ron’s pop, wherein Harry, as a snake, is freed from the constraints of the human world’s laws and is free to live out his fantasies of killing his friends parents, so that his friends will be as lonely as him. Harry continues to be weepy instead of being a badass wizard who can do fucking crazy shit with a wooden stick. Dumbledore, frustrated at Harry’s inability to pull his head his own ass, starts Harry on some lessons designed to make him less of a baby. They are run by the unstoppable veritable badass Snape.
Snape, whose hobbies include ballin’ and shot callin’, pushes Harry to achieve proficiency instead of just coddling him like everyone else. Harry can’t take it and freaks out. Snape tries to keep him going because he knows that if Harry doesn’t do it everyone is jolly well fucked. Harry cries that its too hard and that Snape asks the impossible. Just as Snape is about to lift the x-wing out of the swamp, Harry starts reading his mind. It seems that James Potter, Harry’s Dad, was kind of a douche. And by kind of a douche I mean complete and utter asshole and a scum sucking piece of shit. He is bulling Snape’s face off for no reason at all. He is unapologetic and relentless. Quite frankly I am glad that Harry’s parents are dead. No body messes with Alan Rickman even if the Alan Rickman in question is a different actor play a younger version of the character Alan Rickman is playing.
And then Umbrage (its just easier) starts treating Hogwarts like it’s a business. She starts expecting results. I am no Harry Potter expert but I know that Hogwarts was founded with the one simple purpose of “letting things slide.” And now this woman expects people to start suddenly following rules? She starts punishing kids with “medieval” techniques, because apparently carving words into their hands is much worse than risking children’s lives by having them hunt for a Unicorn killer in the most dangerous place on the grounds of the school their first year of attending Hogwarts. She starts measuring up the staff, literally with Warwick Davis who is apparently playing a miniature Teddy Roosevelt. Then, she is all up in Alan Rickman’s face and he ain’t having that shit. I am certain I should be feeling hatred for this person. I know J.K. Rowling and the director both think I should feel like the person who satin front of me at the theater who “would have spit in that bitch’s face”. But I could give a fuck. Am I really supposed to hate such an obvious thing? The kitten plates and sunny disposition and her ruining people’s shit is so manufactured and flat that I can’t feel anymore about her than a tree or rock. Oh and the kids play the ever tiring “bad teacher” card before she even starts teaching. Cut me a fucking break. Its lazy writing. She finally fires the inept teacher from the third movie who should be fired. But the D-Man in his ultimate love stops her from being evicted.
Harry, at the urging of his friends, starts an underground movement. At first he is all modest, saying I can’t do it I am just a farm boy and all that muck. But then he gets all Patton on it and starts barking things like “We Can do it!” and “We are going to be wizards that change the world!” And where do they do this? This secret meeting room that is built into Hogwarts that appears when anyone needs it and it contains exactly what you need. Wow. Rowling you have done it again. Brilliant! How about this for an ending Harry casts a spell of convenience and turn Voldemort into his Parents and they can wish everyone back using a special relic that Harry finds in the garbage. Fuck. Well Umbrage catches wind of this Dumbledore’s Army. Cue the madcap bumbling of the human caretaker who is apparently in love with Umbrage for some reason. Things escalate. Umbrage even institutes a Brown Shirt society to ferret out the dissidents. But no matter what a grown woman with unlimited resources does to stop a group of children, it seems that Harry cannot be outsmarted. His focus cannot be swayed. He is a laser, a rock, a transcendent beast. Cue temptress Cho.
So check it Harry Potter is surrounded by some major league hotties. I mean you got Ron’s sister, Hermione, Luna, and quite a few other ladies who might take an interest in Harry. I am not saying the Scasian isn’t pretty. But Luna, Hermione and Ron’s Sister are right there and have at least something interesting to say other than cry over their dead boyfriends. But, Harry, with his self destructive tendencies, decides to go after a spoken for popular girl instead of making the better choice of low effort and bigger reward. Well Cho’s boyfriend died in the last movie, so Harry can make his move. By the way I am not saying that Harry killed him, I am just saying Harry had some things to gain from pinning the death of a rival on his other rival. Think about it. But Angsty and Weepy start getting close. I mean tongue in mouth close. But whatho? Cho is a traitor! Say it ain’t so, Cho. Well it isn’t so. Any moron can tell that Cho didn’t really give up the DA, but Hogwarts only admits exceptional idiots. You see the students are susceptible to perennial disbelief. Every year people are disbelieved, unfairly suspected, and wrongly convicted in the minds of students and faculty alike. Harry is typically the target of at least one instance a year, so he should have learned the benefit of giving doubt. But when Cho tries to explain that the administration forced her to spill the beans in a magical way, Harry stonefaces her. The Relationship as dead as Cho’s boyfriend and Harry‘s parents. This is a depressing movie.
Well scheming Scasians aside, The D-man takes the heat for Harry’s foolishness. Some people, including the only black man in England, Barbra Bush, and Dr. Fudgenstein the Prime minister of wizard, show up to arrest him. The D-man is not in the mood to deal with such trifles and Phoenixs out of there right quick. Umbrage takes control. And things get more dystopian. The losers of Ron’s family, which is saying a lot when considering the state of their bank account, are undoubtedly the twins. They decide to throw away their schooling careers in order to break the iron fist of Umbrige. Exam day is celebrated with fireworks. Chaos ensues. “Weasly House!” Umbrage yells as she sees the discipline she has instilled in the student body melt away.
Harry has more dreams. His godfather, it seems, is being attacked and killed. Hermione expresses concern that this dream could be the work of the massive magic organization that is trying to kill Harry. Pish Posh. But how to know for certain? Why not break into the desperate fallen tyrant's office and use her fireplace phone. Genius. But unfortunately the children are caught in the act. Things look hopeless. But quick thinking Hermione suggests a stroll in the night air. Conservatives are powerless to resist such offers. Before Umbrage knows what happens she is surrounded by centaurs and a giant. Her reaction would be much the same if she were driving in Harlem. However she has no windows to roll up and is captured by them. Now the children are free to assemble the DA.
The great army of children wizards can only summon six warriors. Despite the handicap Harry still decides that a half dozen children can take on the MOST POWERFUL WIZARD IN THE WORLD AND HIS GANG OF MUDERERS. So The trio, Ron’s sister, Luna and Neville all hop on the invisible horses that only Harry and Luna can see. They must have had a hell of a time mounting them. So they get to the Hall of prophecies and Draco’s dad shows up. It’s a Trap! Well after a bit of explanation and tense hand over the stone talk, the kids run for it. They do a pretty good job of it too the Wizard Klan can’t stop them. But its only a matter of time before the Klan get their stuff together and start ending lives.
But The Man, Alan Rickman and a bunch of other boss wizards show up and it is on. Spells and Hexes and even some punches. It is a wizard fight for certain. Flashes of light are launched from wands hitting both sides. Ownage abounds. The good guys take the upper hand and all seems ok. Then, Helena Bonham Carter, enraged no doubt at realizing that she will always be second to Tim Burton’s one true love, Johnny Depp, pulls what can be only described as the biggest dick move in history. Harry does not have much, a handful of friends, a couple of teachers that care about him, and an owl. The only family he has is his newly found godfather. But the fishing trips and the play fighting will never be. The last vestige of his family is ripped untimely from this world in a brilliant flash of cold blooded fury. Yet despite the suddenness of the blow, Gary Oldman is strangely at peace will his demise. Of course Harry starts freaking out and takes the bait and chases her down.
Voldemort shows up and gets all Palpatine on Harry telling him to end Carter’s life. Harry comes to his senses and backs off. Then The D-Man shows up and wrecks Voldemort’s killing plans. Epic duel. Clash of titans. The D-Man throws Harry aside as he will only be a nuisance. But Harry can’t even keep down correctly. He keeps trying to help or move like a child who sees his father carrying a burdensome package and gets yelled out because he gets in the path of the grunting man. Voldemort summons a fire snake which the man dispels easily. The D-Man surrounds Voldemort in a ball of water totally ruining his little games. Then Voldemort breaks all the glass in the place and sends it strait for The Man’s face. And boom its harmless sand. Voldemort is desperate now and possesses Harry.
How can Harry beat Voldemort? Why with hugs and kittens of course. Voldemort starts boasting about how he has everything wrapped up very nicely. He starts calling Harry weak and the like. Harry is almost down for the count when he remembers his buddies. He figures that is where his strength is. He starts fighting back and actually says “I feel bad for you because you don’t have any friends.” Can you believe that? He treats this veritable Satan like a school yard bully. Unreal. And it works. Voldemort is shut down. Just as this happens the minister and some other people show up. The minister finally excepts the fact that Voldemort is back, you know now that he has proof and not hearsay, what a jackass. But it does make one wonder how Voldemort is recognized for the split second he was in the room being noseless and all. Maybe he always lacked a nose. I don’t know. The point is Voldemort and Carter scat.
It ends with Harry reveling in the fact that he has other people to love. But no parents or Godfather. Oh and the secret prophecy? The one Harry couldn’t know? It is that Voldemort is trying to kill Harry unless Harry can kill him first. Really? You just blew my mind. You mean that is the point of the series? What a shocking turn of events.
Congrats I just saved you 10 dollars.
-James |
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| Every time someone starts a Journal an angel dies |
[Jan. 6th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
Hello everyone. My name is James and this is my journal. I usually lock my entries so if you would like to read them just ask to be added. It is filled with rants and thoughtful essays on things that dont really matter. So you know c'mon inside.
-James |
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