The giant's tears were ice by the time I got there.
In only a couple of days we will have a brand new president. An exciting BLACK president. Most people are excited. Some are scared, I suppose. I know that I am eventually am going to be disappointed with Obama not completely overhauling every aspect of American society, but I suppose it is okay. Inaugural day will prove to be one of the most important historical moments of my life and for the first time, this historic moment won’t be wholly negative. I must say that I am excited. But there are a few things that I would like to comment on.
The first is this goddamn foolish obsession Obama has for Abraham Lincoln. Not since the last Tim Burton movie have I seen such a public heterosexual love letter and it is almost as disturbing as Nixon’s ritualistic voodoo altar dedicated to Andrew Jackson that he had installed in his private office. But you all know about that. Newsflash Abraham Lincoln wasn’t that great. Disagree? You are an idiot. He wasn’t. Here are ten facts about Lincoln that might just show you the light.

1. He repealed habeas corpus.
It is true that in wartime many presidents have egregiously violated civil rights. One often cited example is FDR’s camps for Japanese Americans (which I still don’t understand the problem. I mean, when I was a kid, yeah, I didn’t want to go to camp but when my parents picked me up I didn’t want to leave.) It is never ok to trade your honor, integrity, or self respect for safety. To reject the very defining characteristic of western law, the very corner stone of justice, is not just tyrannical, it is cowardly.
2. The Emancipation Proclamation did not actually free the slaves.
It only freed slaves in the places that Lincoln did not actually control. He believed that he couldn’t actually constitutionally free slaves in the northern states only in newly acquired states. Thus, only new states and southern states conquered in the war were effected. More important and certainly more damning, Abraham Lincoln never thought of blacks as equal to whites and was in favor of sending them back to Africa.
3. He was wishy-washy.
Just look at this quote, “If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that.” Talk about your political flip-flopper. Pick a side Lincoln, you’re at war!
4. He was a Republican.
And everyone knows, Republicans are bad people. You know that right? Well your golden boy Lincoln started all that. Reaganomics? Lincoln. Segregation? Lincoln. Global Warming? Lincoln. So next time you crybaby liberals are crying over your poor little baby polar bears and your tears freeze, think of Lincoln. And for anyone who happens to be conservative, Lincoln was practically a communist. Talk about your big government. Tramping on state’s rights, creating the first income tax and establishing the Department of Agriculture. Typical liberal. Who is the government to tell me when I can and cannot celebrate Thanksgiving.
5. He had a very low approval rating.
President Bush is a bad president. How do I know this? He has a low approval rating. It is as simple as that. If many people feel a certain way then it is true. Grey’s Anatomy is a good show, the Iraq war was a good idea, and now it isn’t. Bush’s approval rating is like 23% or so. On Lincoln’s best day he never made it above 50%.
6. He was the only President to ever hold a patent.
I am not sure what it was for but there has got to be a 35% chance that it was some kind of weapon. I’d say, almost definitely, a death lazer of some kind.
7. He never finished Reconstruction.
Listen, there is never a good reason to cut and run. Did Reagan give up on the cold war just because he was technically dead? No he willed his body to continue to simulate life in some kind of “Weekend at Bernie’s II” emulation and he communicated with a mixture of recorded dialogue from his movies and random phrases recorded in an old folks home for people with severe dementia. Death is no excuse. They’re called bootstraps, Abe. Get some.
8. He was killed by an actor.
Speaking of his death, Abraham Lincoln, the most powerful man in the world was taken out by a some little pissant actor. A fucking actor! Are you kidding me? You what it takes to be an actor? Nothing. Any monkey can read lines on a page (Note: not every monkey can read lines on a page. In fact, I know of no monkeys that can do that and if there were they would be quite amazing.) It would be like Dane Cook killing Obama. Why Dane Cook? Cause, fuck him that is why. While I am at it, I think we should arrest him just to be safe. Just for the next four years.
9. He is on the penny.
When was the last time you were excited about getting a penny? Have you ever been happy about it? Ever? No they are glorified pieces of trash paid for by tax payers and a huge waste of copper or whatever pennies are made out of. The only thing they are good for is for throwing them into various kinds of man-made bodies of water. Oh and killing people off the empire state building. Either way, they are very dangerous.
10. He was ugly.
Ugly people are worthless.

A couple of other thoughts about next Tuesday:
When Obama makes reference to Martin Luther King’s famous speech, I will respond by yelling, “That was yesterday! Get over it already!” It is inevitable. I can only hope that I am not around strangers.

I heard that some people wear dippers to the New Years Eve celebration in Times Square because it was so crowded and you can‘t get to a bathroom. I wonder if it will be the same there. Probably. Those people are psychotic.

It is not to late for Obama to pick an awesome animal for the white house pet. There have been a pygmy hippo, grizzly bear, and a badger. We could have the fist tiger or Sumatran rhino in the White House. Oh well.

I am kind of excited that the official train is going through Wilmington even if I am not going to see it. Its still exciting.

Ok so that’s all for this week. I hope you all enjoy your week. See you all in post-racial socialist America.

-Riley